


This is real

by rachyxxx



Series: Gender and love [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Coming Out, Genderfluid Character, Homestuck AU, Humanstuck, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-25
Updated: 2016-10-25
Packaged: 2018-08-24 13:11:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8373481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rachyxxx/pseuds/rachyxxx
Summary: Feferi has struggled with things turning sour in the past. They're certain nobody will ever truly accept them for who they are, and they will never be loved unconditionally. In walks Nepeta.





	

The full-length mirror across the room awaits you. You're ready to head out into the world, but you know you need to see yourself before you leave. You sigh and walk over to the mirror, ready once again to see what you have to work with today.

Your long hair is tied back in a bun, your eyes a little puffy from a late night of reading. Your shirt and jeans are both cheerful shades of blue.

"Okay Feferi. You can do this. Maybe you'll get lucky and people won't notice, or they'll be nice." You examine yourself one last time and shake your head. "Yeah right."

* * *

You're finally at work, thank God. Your coat helps a lot; who could tell what lies underneath? Your day drags by, and it feels like the appointments are never ending but somehow you make it to your last one.

A tentative knock at the door. "Come in" you say, trying to inject some of your usual cheer into your voice. The door swings open and your mouth falls open before you can stop it.

She's beautiful.

You stutter over your words in your race to get them out when you realise you've been full on staring at her for much too long to be socially acceptable. "H-Hello I'm doctor Peixes." Her eyes are so beautiful. "H-How can I help you today?" Oh my God she's _stunning_.

She smiles and your heart might actually have skipped a beat. "Hi I'm Nepeta." Oh my god her _voice_. "And this here is Pounce!"

The cat purrs in Nepeta's arms and you smile at the clearly incredibly loved cat. You can't see anything amiss but looks can be deceiving. "And what's the matter Pounce?" You all but purr back at the cat, yes definitely the cat and not her gorgeous owner.

"This probably sounds awfully silly but I just like to bring her in to check everything's okay every few months." She's blushing away as she continues. "Our last vet just checked a little bit of everything, so it's up to you but, yeah." She trails off, clearly trying not to show how much she loved her little Pounce.

"We can get that all sorted right now if you'd like!" You're definitely not disappointed that Pounce will only be coming in to see you every few months, and not, say, tomorrow night for dinner. Not in the slightest.

"Or we could, um, come back again tomorrow maybe? I wouldn’t want to keep you, I know the surgery closes soon." You nod with what you hope isn't too much enthusiasm and book her in for tomorrow.

"I'll see you both tomorrow then!" You give Pounce a little fuss and wave as the door shuts behind them.

Your smile doesn't falter all night.

* * *

The only thing that could and would have eventually ruined your chances with Nepeta happens when you wake up the next morning.

"Shit" you sigh as you look in the mirror.

Your long hair flows behind you, falling to your waist. Your lipstick is perfect and your skirt is adorable yet professional.

The problem is, you weren't a girl yesterday.

"Shit shit shit." You curse loudly, running your hands through your hair and that stupid stupid thought invades your head again.

_Maybe she'll be okay with it._

Oh yes. Just like Sophie was, until she found your binder and realised you weren't a girl. Or Eradian when you were in an argument and just screamed "I'm not your girlfriend right now!" in his face. Or, worst of all, like Gamzee had, when you'd finally plucked up the courage to tell him you weren't always a man; sometimes you were a woman, and sometimes neither. Sometimes both.

Sophie's sad eyes, Gamzee's disgust and Eradian's hatred flash before your eyes and you know you have to decide right now whether to stick that god awful binder back on and fake it just to have a shot with Nepeta, or if you should just chance it.

In the end, you change into jeans and leave the rest; you just don't have the heart to outright lie to such a lovely person.

You leave your apartment with a venomous "Gender is stupid" huffed under your breath and head out.

* * *

The day seems to pass by in a flash, your thoughts always on how the hell to respond if she notices. That thought just won't go away, the one that ended every one of your relationships.

_Maybe she'll accept it._

You check the clock and sure enough, you hear a knocking at the door. Right on time.

"C-Come in." You sit down and await the wide eyes, the double take, the look that everyone has when they see you on a different day. 'You weren't this yesterday' it said.

She walks in and your brace yourself as best you can. She looks at you and… Smiles?

What?

That's it. No trace of confusion or disgust, no rush to get out the door, nothing.

"Cute lipstick." And that's it. Time flows in it's usual way. She doesn't miss a beat. "Pounce is ready for her check up!"

This is unprecedented. She's looking at you like everything is simply normal. Maybe she hasn't noticed?

The worst thought enters your head.

Maybe she thought you were a girl yesterday too.

The pain in your heart is sharp but you're used to it. You try to shove it as deep down as it'll go, ready to be dealt with later, as you carry out all the usual checks on Pounce and everything but the bloods, which won't come back for a few days, is perfectly fine and healthy. A healthy and happy cat with an actual goddess of an owner. What a lucky kitty.

Nepeta grins and kisses Pounce on the head, lifting her little paw for a high five which is possibly the cutest thing ever. "We did it Pounce! Now somebody gets some new yarn!"

Your smile is small but it's there. This is the end of your journey with the lovely Nepeta, and you're free to go on with your cynical life as usual as she walks out th-

Your thought is interrupted as she pokes her head back through the door. "This is probably going to sound incredibly sudden and weird." She starts walking back, slowly, a blush colouring her cheeks. "I was just… Wondering… If you wanted to help me pick out Pounce's new string?" Her cheeks are burning red as she falls over the rest of her words. "You know, um, since you've been the one to check her out and she likes you and thinks you're cute-" She covers her mouth with her hands, looking ready to run.

You save her from the embarrassment and answer. "I'd love to help pick out yarn, especially if Pounce thinks I'm cute." You're screaming internally. This is either the cutest first date ever or the cat has good taste. "This is my last appointment." It really wasn't but Vris owes you big time for covering when she was hung over in some girl's bed so yeah, you were totally done for the day. "So we could go now if you like?"

Nepeta nods so vigoursly her head looks like it’s about to fall off and you text Vriska, making sure to remind her of the many many favours she owes you.

* * *

You wait until you've picked out the yarn before you bring it up again. "So, Pounce thinks I'm cute does she?"

Nepeta looks anywhere but at you as she answers. "Well, yeah. She thinks you're cute and charming and have really nice hair and lipstick she'd like to borrow."

Now you're the one blushing. "She does?"

Nepeta nods slowly, looking back at you. "She does. She would also really like to know if you'd like to go back to your place and cook her dinner sometime, like, I don't know, tonight?"

Has anyone in the history of ever been this forward? Probably not. The butterflies in your stomach are in a frenzy and you just know the only possible answer to that question is yes.

"Only if Pounce likes Chinese takeaway!" Nepeta laughs heartily and smiles at you.

"Lead the way!"

* * *

You're full and content as the left over chicken sits on the side. You and Nepeta sit on the couch, just talking.

She's amazing. Her weightlifting career got pushed to the side when she got a serious knock from a car, and since then she'd starting working for a cat sanctuary which she was basically running at this point. She only had one cat though; "If I adopted any more, I'd never stop!" She was simply amazing.

You tell her about your little surgery, uni, your many many past pets and you show her the mini aquarium in your dining room, which she adores. You don't say much about yourself; there simply isn't that much to say.

Nepeta takes your hand and looks at it as she talks. "So, Feferi. I was just wondering, and please be as mad as you want if this is awful." Oh God. She's going to ask. Everything is going to shatter because you can't lie to this girl. "I was just wondering… What pronouns you used?"

You're silent.

That was an incredibly loaded question. Your friends used 'they' and your parents stubbornly used 'she' at all times. You think back to the only time you'd gotten far enough into 'the talk' with someone to actually ask about pronouns.

_"So, Gamzee. I know this has been… A hell of a lot of information all at once, and I know you still haven't actually said whether you're okay with it or not… But… I was just wondering if you'd be okay to use different pronouns depending upon how I'm feeling?"_

_He finally speaks for the first time since this awful conversation began. "How do you expect me to remember that?" His anger snowballs as he continues. "How do you expect me to change what I say at the drop of a hat? This is too much. You're not right."_

You had cried yourself to sleep and worn your binder for a full week, no matter how you'd been feeling, just to try and feel like you could be right as Gamzee had so lovingly put it. It had taken Vriska two weeks to get the story out of you and a further three weeks before you let her go back to using 'they'.

So, what are your pronouns?

"I…" You trail off. Your mind is blank but racing all at once.

Nepeta pulls you in for a hug and says "It's okay! You don't have to tell me! I just noticed, you know, you looked a little different today, and I didn't want to assume. I'm so sorry!"

You pull back with what might be an actual answer on your lips. Here goes nothing. "Nepeta, I'm genderfluid."

"I know, Fef." You're stunned silent. "I mean, I didn't for sure until you told me. But I had an idea, and when I asked you just then and you looked so upset I had a pretty strong feeling I was in the right ballpark.

"So." She takes your hand again and looks into your eyes, a smile as warm as the sun on her lips. "What pronouns should I use today?"

Tears leave your eyes as the implication of that dawns on you. _Today._ "Does that, does that mean you'd be okay using different ones tomorrow? Or in a week? Or in an hour?" She nods and you breathe "She thinks you're really cute, you know."

Nepeta chuckles. "She does?"

"Yes she does. He did yesterday, and they did for a few hours this afternoon, but she thinks you're the cutest thing she's ever seen. In fact, knows it." You can't believe how honest and natural this all feels. You're out there, completely, for her to see, and she's not shying away.

"Well I thought he was very handsome yesterday." She's leaning in close as she whispers the next part "And I know she has the most kissable lips I've ever seen."

You kiss and it's fireworks and warmth, soft and electric.

Honest and _real._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! This fic is based upon real life feels and edited to insert a random character to avoid ship hate... <3


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